Tag: sober

Grateful for day 2

Day 2 doesn’t sound like allot but it is. If you are a problem drinker struggling to get to day one then day 2 is a winner. Any day without booze is a win! The glass isn’t half full as in indecisiveness….it’s simply empty…one day at a time.

I have felt this optimistic before only to fall down again. This is where the loss of trust in oneself is apparent. How do I trust myself when I have come to this same conclusion before? Baby steps, small wins, they all build up into something larger….self trust. I already know I can do this. I can do hard things. I’ve survived 2 bouts with cancer. I’ve survived 2 OWI’s and 15 months of an interlock device. I’ve survived a TBI that left me in emotional turmoil for months, years. I’ve survived many injuries and lost time at work to disability due to injury while drinking. I’ve managed to stay financially intact and held on to my business during all of this. Yes~I sure can do hard things! I’ve been thru what many people would have crumbled during. Funny, I have done all these things but do not have faith in myself to quit drinking. In comparrison, this should be the easy part. Just shows the grip alcohol can have on a person.

I used to think I drank to be social but over time I have realized I am way more social sober. I like remembering things. Then I thought I drank because I needed to unwind~relax, I was always so uptight. Well, I have so many new tools that I could use to deal with this….go on and use them! There are times when I’m sober I feel so much more confidence and other times when I feel like a complete immobilized moron. Now, I’ve come to the conclusion it is purely habit. A habit to come home, sit alone and be lazy on the couch. It has become a habit for me to just want the smooth, soft buzz. Something to dull the edges, make me not feel the feels. What is it I do not want to feel? Life? Why is life so hard? Is it really? I have it so much easier than many. I forget to thank my blessings.

There are so many strong emotions that roll around inside of me…so many disappointments. Ones I set up for myself by not asking for what I need. What are those? People disappoint me by holding them to standards they are not aware of. Circumstances? Over time I have had hopes and dreams which I prayed very hard for and believed they would manifest only to find them a fingers width from coming true then fall apart. Drinking. Perhaps wrong reasons for wanting the things I did. Would this thing “fix” me? Maybe then I’ll be happy? Then have a hissy fit and blame the world instead of my fragile ego and self? Sometimes life just isn’t always fair. My hopes and dreams are totally out of alignment whith who I am? Who am I? This all still remains to unfold…one day at a time.

Grateful to be sober today.

5 years later…

I’m back.

Not proud, but I keep coming back. even though unsuccessful I haven’t given up. I am at a place where I know I need help. I have been to treatment once for 1 month. this gave me 6 months of sobriety. after a OWI, number 2, gave me another 6 months sobriety. When I started to drink again I never told anyone. I’ve been drinking daily again for a year give or take a day off here and there. At the end of December I actually had 9 days in and was so proud. I was going to start a Restore Dry January class so I drank again figuring I would quit on January 1. well, January 25 I finally have my day 1….again.

I will be reaching out to friends and my sponsor for help. I have to burn the ships, come clean and be honest. No more lying, it is what is keeping me sick. It’s keeping me isolated. I feel like a fraud. Been playing a part and playing it pretty good. No more.

This is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I love my vodka! Straight out of the bottle or add a little water. Perfect. My way of controlling my drinking is to only buy 1/2 pint or a pint at a time. If I buy a bigger bottle I drink it all and then I’m very sick. Stick to no more than a pint. you figure a pint is 16 ounces. That’s 16 drinks a day of ethanol. I can’t fathom having 16 glasses of wine. I didn’t even really get drunk. Had built up a good tolerance.

Why do I drink? I’m told quitting drinking is only a start and now you have to deal with the things that drove me to drink. Boredom, no love in my life, no money, resentments. Even my attempts to deal with these issues did not bring relief. It seems that a majority of my life no matter what I do or have is never enough. I’m never satisfied. Never grateful.

Since my last post I have survived two rounds with cancer. The first was breast cancer. It was found early, 3 weeks of radiation, done. At my 5 year mark I found I had throat cancer. 7 weeks of chemo and radiation. Sickness. Still not 100% if it is gone, I have another PET scan in a week. The fact that I am alive is a miracle in itself. I have to quit drinking or for sure it will kill me. Alcohol is a class 1 carcinogen and i’ve had cancer twice. One would think that would be enough in itself to ditch the booze. But no. Until today. Today I choose life. I must keep writing about this journey. Stay Tuned. I want a successful sobriety journey. I have drank for 50 years. My prayer for today is to salvage how much time I have left on this planet. Please.