Tag: alcoholism

Grateful Day 3

Day 3…YAYYY!!! Each day is a gift and in just the past three days the learning curve has been exponential. Self understanding right off the charts. Beginning with last night’s meeting about Mindfulness. This is not a new topic for me, I’ve been aware and studied it allot, practiced it not so much. In the class the teacher said we are not broken, we are just being called to awaken. Bam! I am on a path to constantly try to fix myself, to repair my brokenness. Well, how about doing this a gentler, softer way? Just awaken to who you truly are instead of attempting to glue, wire, hide all the repair work only so when you fall it all just cracks back open again? Hmmm, this path seems more doable! If only to stay on the path and not stray!

My second big insight comes from the stars. I have always been curious of cosmic whoo whoo and look to the heavens for solstice and contemplation. Just as the ocean and its tides affect us I believe the planetary movements also play a part. My Taro cards for the day~1st card, Temperance reversed suggests current disharmony, lack of moderation (dah) or things just not blending as they should. An important ingredient is either missing or overused creating an imbalance in my efforts. 2nd card, Eight of Pinnacles. This card points to a stagnation, not from lack of talent but in lack of effort to apply myself diligently. Like admiring my tools more than using them to truly build. There’s a sense of skill not being fully realized due to internal resistance or misdirection. 3rd card, Six of Cups. shines a light from the past, speaking of comfort and memory. longing for what was. I cannot figure what that might have been except for the days when I could drink freely without it being a problem. BINGO!

The cards read there is a simple desire to be held, to let go of the need to try so hard. My soul is seeking sanctuary. There is a profound need for achievement and external recognition which can lead the subconscious feeling that worth is tied to my effort and performance. Go Figure. The planets know me well.

I have a deep need for connection, listening and nurturing but when under pressure can be isolating. The cards say to “value your inherent being over your outward doing” Thank you!

The final question me was: What small step can you take today to honor your genuine self, even if it feels incomplete or imperfect? Acceptance baby. when that critical voice starts chiming in….acceptance. Love. Compassion. Show yourself some compassion and give credit for progress and accomplishments made. Let my body settle in and relax. I do not have to be on high alert. Now see, it asked for a step, I gave 3. Just my usual over performance at work.

Grateful to be sober

5 years later…

I’m back.

Not proud, but I keep coming back. even though unsuccessful I haven’t given up. I am at a place where I know I need help. I have been to treatment once for 1 month. this gave me 6 months of sobriety. after a OWI, number 2, gave me another 6 months sobriety. When I started to drink again I never told anyone. I’ve been drinking daily again for a year give or take a day off here and there. At the end of December I actually had 9 days in and was so proud. I was going to start a Restore Dry January class so I drank again figuring I would quit on January 1. well, January 25 I finally have my day 1….again.

I will be reaching out to friends and my sponsor for help. I have to burn the ships, come clean and be honest. No more lying, it is what is keeping me sick. It’s keeping me isolated. I feel like a fraud. Been playing a part and playing it pretty good. No more.

This is hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I love my vodka! Straight out of the bottle or add a little water. Perfect. My way of controlling my drinking is to only buy 1/2 pint or a pint at a time. If I buy a bigger bottle I drink it all and then I’m very sick. Stick to no more than a pint. you figure a pint is 16 ounces. That’s 16 drinks a day of ethanol. I can’t fathom having 16 glasses of wine. I didn’t even really get drunk. Had built up a good tolerance.

Why do I drink? I’m told quitting drinking is only a start and now you have to deal with the things that drove me to drink. Boredom, no love in my life, no money, resentments. Even my attempts to deal with these issues did not bring relief. It seems that a majority of my life no matter what I do or have is never enough. I’m never satisfied. Never grateful.

Since my last post I have survived two rounds with cancer. The first was breast cancer. It was found early, 3 weeks of radiation, done. At my 5 year mark I found I had throat cancer. 7 weeks of chemo and radiation. Sickness. Still not 100% if it is gone, I have another PET scan in a week. The fact that I am alive is a miracle in itself. I have to quit drinking or for sure it will kill me. Alcohol is a class 1 carcinogen and i’ve had cancer twice. One would think that would be enough in itself to ditch the booze. But no. Until today. Today I choose life. I must keep writing about this journey. Stay Tuned. I want a successful sobriety journey. I have drank for 50 years. My prayer for today is to salvage how much time I have left on this planet. Please.