Day 2 doesn’t sound like allot but it is. If you are a problem drinker struggling to get to day one then day 2 is a winner. Any day without booze is a win! The glass isn’t half full as in indecisiveness….it’s simply empty…one day at a time.
I have felt this optimistic before only to fall down again. This is where the loss of trust in oneself is apparent. How do I trust myself when I have come to this same conclusion before? Baby steps, small wins, they all build up into something larger….self trust. I already know I can do this. I can do hard things. I’ve survived 2 bouts with cancer. I’ve survived 2 OWI’s and 15 months of an interlock device. I’ve survived a TBI that left me in emotional turmoil for months, years. I’ve survived many injuries and lost time at work to disability due to injury while drinking. I’ve managed to stay financially intact and held on to my business during all of this. Yes~I sure can do hard things! I’ve been thru what many people would have crumbled during. Funny, I have done all these things but do not have faith in myself to quit drinking. In comparrison, this should be the easy part. Just shows the grip alcohol can have on a person.
I used to think I drank to be social but over time I have realized I am way more social sober. I like remembering things. Then I thought I drank because I needed to unwind~relax, I was always so uptight. Well, I have so many new tools that I could use to deal with this….go on and use them! There are times when I’m sober I feel so much more confidence and other times when I feel like a complete immobilized moron. Now, I’ve come to the conclusion it is purely habit. A habit to come home, sit alone and be lazy on the couch. It has become a habit for me to just want the smooth, soft buzz. Something to dull the edges, make me not feel the feels. What is it I do not want to feel? Life? Why is life so hard? Is it really? I have it so much easier than many. I forget to thank my blessings.
There are so many strong emotions that roll around inside of me…so many disappointments. Ones I set up for myself by not asking for what I need. What are those? People disappoint me by holding them to standards they are not aware of. Circumstances? Over time I have had hopes and dreams which I prayed very hard for and believed they would manifest only to find them a fingers width from coming true then fall apart. Drinking. Perhaps wrong reasons for wanting the things I did. Would this thing “fix” me? Maybe then I’ll be happy? Then have a hissy fit and blame the world instead of my fragile ego and self? Sometimes life just isn’t always fair. My hopes and dreams are totally out of alignment whith who I am? Who am I? This all still remains to unfold…one day at a time.
Grateful to be sober today.
Site Title 